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But I Have a Confession
I have a confession. I did something terrible. Most people wouldn’t consider it a crime or even a sin. Some people might not even know that it is a terrible thing to do. I didn’t murder anyone. I didn’t steal money. I didn’t even lie to my mommy. Are you screaming yet saying… “Levina what did you do?!” Okay, okay, I’ll tell you because now you’re asking.
In the past few years, I have been cheating on the most important person in my life – myself. I know what you’re thinking, “what a build up for THAT?” Or “Wait…. Y U SO SELFISH?” Hear me out though.
It’s time to be honest with myself. Let’s step back into memory lane for a few sentences. For the first time in my life, in high school, I understood what it felt like to be sad. Not sad because of a bad grade, or because your pet bird passed away. I felt real trenches of sadness. I am sure a lot of you out there felt similarly in high school. We just somehow don’t talk about it. We were all trying to figure ourselves and the world out at the same time. During that time, I never hated life, I just hated myself. I developed such a deep hatred for myself for various deep ingrained reasons both superficial and down to my depths of who I was. The problem was, I never learned how to love myself because I was too busy hating myself so instead of being loyal to myself, I became loyal to other things – friends, boys, and self harm. I started cheating on myself because I wasn’t happy with who I was. I started cheating on myself to fill a void that I was unable to give myself. The saddest part of it is that it extended into my college years. I cheated on myself to love someone else and give them my entire focus, and forget the person I was.
Cheating on yourself is so awful because you’re not being loyal to the person who will be there through it all. Don’t ignore yourself. Don’t ever give yourself to someone else in order to forget about yourself.
It took me years to realize that the person I wanted to give my all to was myself all along, but it took me more years to start doing something about it instead of lying to myself.
It’s sad to have let go of another relationship but I need to go back to my constant- the woman that has stayed with me through it all. Today, I just got into another relationship after letting go of one just yesterday. But today, I got in a relationship with myself for myself.
Maybe one day, I will be able to multitask and love someone else besides myself, but right now I deserve to be faithful to myself after so many years and years of self neglect.
I am so committed and loyal to you and I am sorry I ever thought so lowly of you. I vow to only see the best in you. I vow to listen to you. I vow to love you when you hate what you see in the mirror. I vow to love you when you don’t feel good enough for a job, a person, or a situation. I vow to love you even when you are being negative, and I will help you see the positive. I vow to love you even when you feel so incapable of being loved. I vow to love you even if you can’t see the best in you for periods of time. I can’t wait to fall in love with you, Levina. And I can promise to never leave you, like no one else can.
Here’s to infinity and beyond, because what’s the point of being on earth if you’re not constantly striving to be a better person? Here’s to the rest of 2016, I can’t wait to start this adventure with myself.